Fire, Mudslides, Earthquakes?

Armageddon?

Well we are sitting comfortably in our home here in London and the news keeps getting worse. First it was the fires, then it was the earthquake, and now the mudslides. What the hell is going on over there. I'm just waiting for the locusts to invade to make my prediction a reality. You see I have a theory that God is punishing all of the residents of Yorba Linda the same way he punished New Orleans a few years back. Let me specify just incase there is some confusion. You see I actually think that God does hate certain people. I believe that he hates people that take his ideas and turn that into judgement and hatred towards others. Now lets look at New Orleans, where the hurricane struck with ferocity. When the venerated pastor John Hagee of the 16,000 member Cornerstone Church in Texas said that the hurricane was God punishing the residents of New Orleans for permitting homosexuality and other forms of debauchery I don't think he was far off. The only problem with his argument is that the areas he especially pointed out, mainly the French Quarter (where they had a gay pride parade just days before the hurricane struck) remained largely untouched. In fact, almost all of the areas that we associate the "drunken, homosexual, debauchery" were not directly affected by the hurricane itself. You see, the French Quarter sits just a bit above sea level, high enough that the flood waters did not invade that area of the city. Now either God had a poor sense of direction, in which case he is not omnipotent, or omniscient making him relatively inconsequential anyways, or, as I believe, he is purposely leaving the drunken homosexuals alone.

Now lets take the case of Yorba Linda. Could God be punishing the residents of Yorba Linda for their deeds? The answer is yes. I believe that God sees in Yorba Linda a group of very conservative, flag waving, Sarah Palin sticker wearing, gay hating, Muslim hating, pretty much hating anything that doesn't look or think or talk exactly as they do, group of people. This made God angry and he directed his special powers to lay the smack-down on good ole' Yorba Linda. Let me also give you some proof. My parents (who by-the-way love the gays, and the Jews for that matter), are not hateful people and often engage in drunken debauchery. They did not vote for McCain/Palin, and they do not think that people who look or act different than them are going to hell. Their house did not burn down, although God could have directed a few embers onto the roof with the snap of a finger, he didn't. He could have had their house swept away in a mudslide, but he didn't. He could have demolished their house with an earthquake, but he didn't. Just a little comforting proof that God is not on the side of those malicious hateful people.

Now I also have some quick remedies to help the residents of Yorba Linda avoid the future disasters of plague and locust invasion (not in that order). First of all, take the Sarah Palin sticker off of your Hummer, and throw away all of your "Left Behind" series books. Second, lobby the city council to overturn the ban on bar's and saloon's in Yorba Linda because apparently God keeps his hands off the areas where copious amounts of liquor are consumed. After that, strategically place a bar where the city may be susceptible to such disasters as fire or flood. Finally, have the biggest gay-pride parade this side of the Mississippi. That might get God's attention, he may even turn his wrath to Irvine or Newport Beach which have somehow slipped under his "hate-radar". So in closing, if you want to get on God's good side, move close to a bar and go to a gay pride parade. Remember, God is watching.